Category Archives: Halloween

Review: The urJoy Orgasm Summoner

Hello readers! Rosie Risqué here again with another sex toy review, this month the urJoy Orgasm Summoner.

When urJoy contacted me and asked me to review their latest toy, I jumped at the chance. Anyone reading this blog will know that urJoy makes the highest quality luxury sex toys in the world. Also, their price tag puts them out of the range of anyone who isn’t a fabulously wealthy and/or a sex blogger. So when they offered to send me one, I literally jumped at the chance, one hand caressing my nipple with the other on my greedy clit while I jumped up and down..

I’d almost forgotten about the request, which came months ago, but a mysterious box arrived just a few days ago — just in time for Halloween.The box itself was wooden with intricate carvings that reflected the light, almost seeming to glow on their own. The carvings were in the shape of a pentagram with the words “urJoy Orgasm Summoner / for when a phallus is not enough!” written around the circle itself in a fancy runic script.

Opening the box, the Summoner lay nestled in a soft velvet compartment. It looked mostly like a cock ring with vibrating egg attachment, and made me wonder if I should have gotten the aid of an adoring fan to test this one out. The enclosed instruction booklet (more about that later) made it clear that the urJoy Orgasm Summoner was meant to be a solo-use toy.

Pulling out the Summoner, I found that it was made of urJoy’s classic and exquisite material that I’ve always enjoyed, and feels excellent against my skin. What first looked like pleasure ridges turned out to be more runes, the majority of which ran around the ring in a flowing and unreadable script.

There was a small compartment for several condoms, which was strange, but which I learned are vital to the proper functioning of the urJoy Orgasm Summoner. The condom packaging listed the brand name as the “urJoy Conjorom” and has the same pentagram-like circle stamped on it.. On top of it all there was a small booklet, which had the words “ABSOLUTELY IMPORTANT! Read before using the urJoy Orgasm Summoner, on pain of your soul!” I’m not sure how pure the the soul of a sexblogger is, but I decided to take their advice.

The book advised three important safe sex rules (safer sex rules being the few I always follow!) First, to always use one of the Conjurom brand condoms on the ring of the urJoy Orgasm Summoner. Second, while using the Summoner, to be certain that the ring was in line with your “preferred penetrative orifice.” Third, be sure to use plenty of lube. That last is always good advice, in my book.

Finally, the book lists several small chants that can be used to “exponentially increase operator’s satisfaction.” I won’t repeat it here, but if you get your own urJoy Orgasm Summoner,it is included in the booklet. Personally I used the one marked for a “Full-filling Experience.”

I lit a few candles around the room, and put on some quiet music. I pulled out one of the Conjurom condoms, and opened it up. As it lay flat, it also had a pentagram or summoning circle (Clair, one of my readers, says it’s actually a Solomon’s Circle! Thanks Clair, a bottle of lube is coming your way!). It was also shaped slightly differently so it could sit inside the cock ring of the Summoner, which had special flaps to hold the Conjurom..

If this all sounds a bit strange to you, reader, imagine how I felt doing it! Still, I try to use the sex toys according to the manufacturer’s specifications at least the first time, just to be sure I give them the fairest shake of all. And this time, I can say it was totally worth it.

I lay back on my bed with my legs open (is there any other way?) I placed the vibrating part of the urJoy Orgasm Summoner against my clit, being sure that the ring encircled my wet (well-lubed) and hungry pussy. The vibrations were nice, and like all urJoy toys, it felt wonderful against my skin. The motor had enough oomph to send chills up my spine, and would have been good enough by itself.

That’s when I decided to start the chant.

The chant felt very secret cult-like, with a nice rhythm which I matched with movements of the urJoy Orgasm Summoner. I slid the urJoy up and down my pussy as I chanted. My free hand teased my nipple (as you do). Shocks went through my body as I was on the cusp of my first orgasm, then every candle in my room went out and relit. There was a tinge of sulfur in the air, as well.

I barely had time to register that though, as there was the distinct feeling of a cock filling me up. Not just any cock, either, a large thick cock.

I let the urJoy go and it stayed in place, held by an unseen force. An unseen force, I discovered, had hands which grasped and mauled my breasts. I reached up and I could feel the firm muscles of an invisible man above me. When I touched him, I heard the low and raspy demand: “Chant.”

I realized I’d stopped reciting the chant and I picked it up. He fucked me with the same rhythm, and I wrapped my legs around him to urge him on. As I chanted he became more solid, and I saw that his skin was a dark red. He had horns on his head and his tail caressed my legs as he fucked me.

As he became more solid, his hands moved up and held my hands down, and his forked tongue teased my nipples, and his sharp teeth nipped at my breasts. That, dear readers, is when I started coming. I gave up the chant, but it no longer seemed to matter. I’m not sure how long he fucked me — some time between fifteen minutes and forever. Personally, I spent the whole time coming or about to come.

Finally I could tell he was close and he pounded into me. He cried out, shouting out “Yess!” in a horrible and earthy tone, and I could feel him pulsing inside of me. I let out a scream and orgasm of my own, and then he was gone, nothing to think he was there, but a used (yet empty?) condom and the smell of sulfur in the air.

And a very satisfied Rosie.

I slept the sleep of the innocent that night, I tell you. Only I’m pretty sure I’m not. Innocent, that is.

The next morning there was no sign of him but the (completely) empty Conjorom and a few beautiful love-bites on my breast. The pentagram-marking on the Conjorom were distorted and distressed, and I felt sure they’d been responsible in restraining my demon lover.

A quick check of the urJoy website tells me two things. First, the urJoy Orgasm Summoner is easily one-third of the normal cost for an urJoy toy. The urJoy Conjurom’s however, come in a five pack, and are easily 5-10 times the price than normal condoms at your local grocer’s. Personally, I wouldn’t use the toy without them. But then I’ve got four more, and I plan to use every last one.

I give the urJoy Orgasm Summoner eight levels of hell out of nine, but only because of the limited uses and the lock-in for Conjuroms.

Rosie Risqué is an homage to Daisy Danger, who – as far as I know – has never summoned a demon for her own personal satisfaction.

The Haunted Menagerie

I would have made it out, but for the shoes.

You pay your two bits, they say, you go through the Menagerie, and you see things the likes of which never appear on Earth. Daunting things, horrible things… wonderful things (lustful things). You can take as long as you like, but there are two rules.

Two rules, and I broke both of them. If only they hadn’t had the shoes (black patent leather, three inch heels formed into a spike). If not for those shoes, on those feet, on those legs. Six pairs on twelve legs, beckoning me.

Rule number 1: Don’t leave the path. It’s in every fairy story, isn’t it? There’s even railings. You have to climb over them and into the exhibit. I passed grotesque monsters (tongues and limbs flail everywhere and sensual moans waft over the path). There was a squad of well triple-breasted cheerleaders desperate to show off the color of their panties (red thongs or black lace or plain cotton white). A sea of pink skin in the multi-armed lesbian orgy (tongues and limbs flailing everywhere while sensual moans waft over the path).

I passed all that until I saw the shoes. Little holes in the front where red painted toenails covered in sheer hose poked through. The hose ran up the calf and over knees before disappearing. I grabbed the red wooden railing, the paint flaking off where my hands wrenched around it, and I was up and over, and into the garden where they walked.

Break Rule number 1 and you stay in the exhibit until the night is over. Break Rule Number 2 and you must stay there until Halloween is over. I just wanted to see, to know. I knew better than to touch. Surely I knew better than to touch?

Maybe. I would have made it out, but for the skirts.

Pencil skirts, grey and severe and hugging the legs (covered in stockings). I fell to my knees on the grass and looked at them. Hips swayed and legs walked. The shoes which could press or impale. I leaned back my head to look, and I reached out for the zipper on the closest pair of legs.

Rule Number 2 is Don’t Touch.

I pulled the zipper down, damning myself and freeing the skirt, and showing the garter and lack of panties. That’s all there was. Shoes, stockings, garter, legs and hips and pussy. (No torso, no head, no breasts, no..)

Disembodied hands grabbed at my hair. (Don’t touch them and they won’t touch you, that’s the real rule number 2.) The legs stepped over me and the pussy settled down on my mouth, and I licked.

Sensual moans wafted over the path. I don’t know where they came from, but the legs, the hands came, and then there were others. Six pairs of shoes, 12 legs, six pussies, one tongue. I knelt there and they used me.

My clothes disappeared and my hard cock became their plaything. As one rocked on my face, another teased my cock with her heels. Stabbing my balls, pressing my cock into the garden floor.

I stayed there all night. I stayed there until the Menagerie wrapped up and left after Halloween.

That was years ago, five for fifteen? I don’t know. I stay here, and every night they use me. I could leave, but for the shoes.

The shoes always make me stay.

Day of the Dead

October is here, and that means Halloween stories all month!  Enjoy!

Hello Sexy Friend!

As many of you are aware, I have returned from my tour of the southern continents by way of my family’s ancient estate in Estonia. I have made a miraculous and important discovery — in fact I made it months ago, and have travelled throughout the world in order to confirm it. In fact, I have confirmed it on every continent where people who fuck live.

My many times great-grandmother, Agnes Hardwin, made an important discovery regarding the Day of the Dead, also known as Samhain, All Hallow’s Eve, or more recently, Halloween. In fact, her discovery has helped bring about the age of reason and rein in the superstitious belief in the spirits — which I have to tell you was absolutely true (if holding us back as a race).

It is true that on Halloween, the boundaries and borders between the physical realm and the afterworld are at their thinnest. At that point, our world takes on a more spiritual aura, and it’s possible for the dead to cross over, back into our world, for a time. In ancient and medieval times, these spirits would come here, be entranced by the living and remain, accounting for many of the stories of superstition and fancy that confounded us.

Yet it was my great-many-times-great-grandmother Agnes who reasoned that if our world was more spiritual at that time, then the spirit world was more physical. That, in fact, Halloween is the one time when the spirits of the other world are actually able to touch and to feel each other.

She records in her diary that these are the largest desires of the spirits, and why they come here — to possess us and once again feel the sensations that they missed in the afterlife. Yes, ghosts came here, to our world, in order to fuck.

But only a few very powerful ghosts can actually cross the barrier. But just as the spiritual world intrudes on ours, we intrude on theirs. Just as powerful ghosts can cross over here, powerful witches and sorcerers can pass there on that special night. And Grandma Agnes was extremely powerful.

Her diary discusses how she raised the energy by inviting thirteen lovers and their thirteen lovers to her house the last week of October, leading up to the Day of the Dead when she was able to harness the fucking energy and open a portal into the netherworld. She passed through the gate and disappeared for a full year.

When she returned, she told a tale of teaching the ghosts to use the physical sensations of our world during this time to touch, to feel and to fuck each other. By staying there, she bound the physical world there, and she was the center of a year-long spiritual orgy. The remainder of her diary is an exhaustive sex manual that would put the Kama Sutra to shame if it were properly understood. (Thanks to the Collette-Ashbee Collection for restoring Agnes’ diary, and allowing me to cast divination spells upon it to translate. It’s my understanding they’re working on copying it.)

The important thing is that the spirits take up the most lustful person in the world to be in their realm for a year and a day. The other most important thing is that some of the spirits have been doing this for hundreds and hundreds of years — so they’re likely very very good at it. This truism is why Halloween costumes have gone from scary to sexy in the interim, even though that is not enough to summon the jaded spirits of the otherworld.

And that is why I’m inviting you, and as many lovers as you’d like to invite (who would be willing to participate, of course). I’ve freed up a good portion of my estate to fly us all to the ancient Hughes estate, the site of Agnes’ ancient orgiastic ritual. There we will fuck and suck our way through the month of October, and on the last day of the ancient year, the gateway will open and one of us — the most lustful — will head out into the otherworld for another year of sexual learning like has never been had in your imaginings.

I mean for it to be me, but it could be you, if you accept my invitation.

Samuel Hughes, Esq.

RSVP with the number in your party, and when you will be free to fly.

And thanks to Shon Richards for the use of his librarians. You should go there, he’s the one who started this whole October-Halloween-Stories thing.